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I exist

 

Write what needs to be read – Brene Brown

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“I exist”

Year of 2018 has been one of the toughest ones regarding seeing reality in its nakedness. The time came where we saw situations and relations for what they were and not what we desired them to be. We took off our rose-colored glasses and were seen messy, vulnerable, afraid, and present.
The old beliefs was taken to ground, new questions arising as the mist gradually cleared and now more importantly than ever we are called to stand tall in who we truly are.
We are important. We matter.

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings” – Lao Tzu

I could have kept telling myself that all was good, that I am not in it for the money, I can take care of myself and do not need any help. Truth is, I know the one who takes care of it all way too good, the one jumping back in the saddle to keep moving forward.
I wish to surrender and lean into the arms of support trusting that I do not need to chase anything. The most important practice is the one I do right now, sharing the most intimate and vulnerable words I can and through sharing I might inspirer courage for others whos behaviour is to put on an armor and only share what fits, is appropriate or expected. It was my motivation 15 years ago when this journey as a pioneer, an entrepreneur, a first mover began.

Back to the beginning.
Last part of 2018 I went back to the beginning.
I revisited the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and found two major points I did not live myself.
Indeed I did not speak with impeccability towards myself. For years I have run a business with the assumption of never succeeding anyways. Phew, no wonder it has felt like a battle.
I lived with five injunctions saying: “don’t be important”, “don’t be vulnerable”, “don’t be wealthy”, “don’t be big”, “don’t exist”.
The last one knocked my socks off….
To have lived as a spiritual being, traveling the world with mindful movement practice which narrowed down is about through movement to feel safe to be who we are – enough, held – and there I was with the ground melody of ‘do not exist’.

Both hurt and understanding came. My manifestation’s fuel has been will power (noting that in my world there is nothing wrong with having a strong will power) but my longing for soft and relaxed surrendering suddenly had an explanation.
I was fighting myself all these years with not honouring everything that I am and always having a feeling of running two steps forward and 1,5 backwards….

So to round up 2018 I did the work. Went the places that was not pretty. Wrote through the past and present self sabotaging behaviours. Sat myself down each and every morning and asked the questions I was afraid to hear the answer to: Cried my way through meditations and kept the journal close…
On the outside everything more or less looks the same but on the inside everything feels new.

… and I am curious to know are we all feeling the same?
That the need to lean into the arms of community and together rise rooted?
Can we step together as one, fiercely willing and greatly daring to say what needs to be heard and become our own greatest inspiration?
If so, I believe we can create a new degree of worthiness for ourselves and for everyone around us. The world need more leaders and we are it. We exist. We are important. We are worthy.
This is what I am passionate about teaching, standing tall for, heart talking about….

Who is live · love · lead for?
· For those who always wish to step one step closer them selves.
· For those who dare to be seen for what they are.
· For those who know exactly what I talk about when the need to unplug is heard and the dive in becomes the darkness within the light.
· I salute you. I thank you. I honour you and I celebrate you.
You make this girl dancer get up in the morning and say yes to life…

 

In making new agreements my first fumbling the written word, here is the answer to one injunction practice I had, the one saying: “Do not exist”. I give to you my first written poem.

I Exist
~ by Camilla

The late night hours become the most awake moment I exist
I laugh loudly with a heart pounding in joy I exist.
Breath can not find depths in me I exist
My head curls backwards in ecstasy I exist
Marveling at a grey winter sky and feelings diving one layer deeper I exist
In a dancing bliss where nothing else can reach I exist
In a hiding place under the blanket where both needs and fears are met I exist.
When coming out and taking the first breath of fresh air, alive, I exist.
I breathe. I cry. I laugh. I live. I exist.

 

In deep gratitude and love,
Camilla