I exist

 

Write what needs to be read – Brene Brown

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“I exist”

Year of 2018 has been one of the toughest ones regarding seeing reality in its nakedness. The time came where we saw situations and relations for what they were and not what we desired them to be. We took off our rose-colored glasses and were seen messy, vulnerable, afraid, and present.
The old beliefs was taken to ground, new questions arising as the mist gradually cleared and now more importantly than ever we are called to stand tall in who we truly are.
We are important. We matter.

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings” – Lao Tzu

I could have kept telling myself that all was good, that I am not in it for the money, I can take care of myself and do not need any help. Truth is, I know the one who takes care of it all way too good, the one jumping back in the saddle to keep moving forward.
I wish to surrender and lean into the arms of support trusting that I do not need to chase anything. The most important practice is the one I do right now, sharing the most intimate and vulnerable words I can and through sharing I might inspirer courage for others whos behaviour is to put on an armor and only share what fits, is appropriate or expected. It was my motivation 15 years ago when this journey as a pioneer, an entrepreneur, a first mover began.

Back to the beginning.
Last part of 2018 I went back to the beginning.
I revisited the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and found two major points I did not live myself.
Indeed I did not speak with impeccability towards myself. For years I have run a business with the assumption of never succeeding anyways. Phew, no wonder it has felt like a battle.
I lived with five injunctions saying: “don’t be important”, “don’t be vulnerable”, “don’t be wealthy”, “don’t be big”, “don’t exist”.
The last one knocked my socks off….
To have lived as a spiritual being, traveling the world with mindful movement practice which narrowed down is about through movement to feel safe to be who we are – enough, held – and there I was with the ground melody of ‘do not exist’.

Both hurt and understanding came. My manifestation’s fuel has been will power (noting that in my world there is nothing wrong with having a strong will power) but my longing for soft and relaxed surrendering suddenly had an explanation.
I was fighting myself all these years with not honouring everything that I am and always having a feeling of running two steps forward and 1,5 backwards….

So to round up 2018 I did the work. Went the places that was not pretty. Wrote through the past and present self sabotaging behaviours. Sat myself down each and every morning and asked the questions I was afraid to hear the answer to: Cried my way through meditations and kept the journal close…
On the outside everything more or less looks the same but on the inside everything feels new.

… and I am curious to know are we all feeling the same?
That the need to lean into the arms of community and together rise rooted?
Can we step together as one, fiercely willing and greatly daring to say what needs to be heard and become our own greatest inspiration?
If so, I believe we can create a new degree of worthiness for ourselves and for everyone around us. The world need more leaders and we are it. We exist. We are important. We are worthy.
This is what I am passionate about teaching, standing tall for, heart talking about….

Who is live · love · lead for?
· For those who always wish to step one step closer them selves.
· For those who dare to be seen for what they are.
· For those who know exactly what I talk about when the need to unplug is heard and the dive in becomes the darkness within the light.
· I salute you. I thank you. I honour you and I celebrate you.
You make this girl dancer get up in the morning and say yes to life…

 

In making new agreements my first fumbling the written word, here is the answer to one injunction practice I had, the one saying: “Do not exist”. I give to you my first written poem.

I Exist
~ by Camilla

The late night hours become the most awake moment I exist
I laugh loudly with a heart pounding in joy I exist.
Breath can not find depths in me I exist
My head curls backwards in ecstasy I exist
Marveling at a grey winter sky and feelings diving one layer deeper I exist
In a dancing bliss where nothing else can reach I exist
In a hiding place under the blanket where both needs and fears are met I exist.
When coming out and taking the first breath of fresh air, alive, I exist.
I breathe. I cry. I laugh. I live. I exist.

 

In deep gratitude and love,
Camilla

 

18 thoughts on “I exist”

  1. A deep and grateful THANK YOU for writing. For sharing. For opening up to this. Every word resonates in me – in my 2018. In my ground fear, movement. Existence.
    Thank you for being so beautiful.
    The other day I sat down and wrote the names that came to me as inspiration. And your name came down on the paper together with Louise Hay, Suzannah, Edgar, Anthony Robbins and a few more. But you were strongly among them.
    Thank you for you. For your existence.
    Love Mie

    Like

    1. Dear Mie…
      Thank you for bringing your gift of sharing gratitude.
      I feel humbled, honoured and with a shy blush in my cheeks to be mentioned in accompaniment of these greatly inspiring teachers.
      My heart swirls an extra time knowing that my words of vulnerability land in tender resonance within you.
      Love Camilla

      Like

  2. Wow, Camilla ❤️ thank you for sharing your words, your struggles, your thoughts, your insights – you – so deeply inspiring. You are a gift and I am thankful you exist.

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      1. My heart and being resonants with your words. Thank you for your strength and bravery in sharing.

        I hope to dance with you again in 2019.

        ♥️ you, Mary Lee

        Like

  3. Dear sister. Listen to what makes your heart sing. ❤️ And I Tell you from
    My heart. You at Not only existing. You are shining at all. I love you. 💕

    Like

  4. Camilla, i beleive evrything happens for a reason. Your blog is so right in time! thank you for sharing this valuable words. i can se its spot on much of my own experiences and feelings the past year, i have also the last year going thru and looked in other perspectives on my earlier life intentions, my belives, my “truths” and the long sometimes hard travel to being me. it was worth it i am now also grateful, i feel i exist and am wort being “happy for no reason” just to be… me… thank you🙏🏼

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    1. Hello my dear Marica,

      Thank you so much for receiving my sharing and for your loving words – it seems like a lifetime ago since I wrote this.
      My writing continues and to know that the vulnerable words land tenderly in and around your heart with a yes, warms my body.
      Thank you.

      Much love,
      Camilla

      Like

  5. Oh dear Camilla – I am so touched! Can´t tell you. I resonate with so many of your words. To feel the “I don`t exist”… puh. Yes. And then the opening yourself to the outside.
    You are such a blessing. A leader. A so heart opend woman. With so much joy. And you are diving so deep.
    A hugh bow to you ❤

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    1. My dear Moya,

      Thank you for your loving words that do not reach my heart until today.
      I love how you always receive me in such sincere ways.

      It seems like a life time ago I wrote this and yet, the writing continues.
      In much love and deep joy for having you close in heart,
      Camill ❤️

      Like

  6. Camilla,

    Your reflections are clear and authentic – so inspiring to me and others. It seems difficult for me at times to share the complexities of my “existence” with others through the written word. The moments of my daily life – and then the overall combination of all those moments – as they becomes days, months, and years – just feel so big and cumbersome! I realize I sometimes place judgement on the quality of those moments – which are good or bad – boring or exciting or painful. Which moments I want to remember, which I need to forget.

    I guess when it comes down to it – I exist in each moment – with clear and present observation – and as much love and compassion as I can muster.

    So looking forward to hearing more from you…

    Liz

    Like

    1. Hello dear Liz….

      Not until now I see your loving echoes back to my words in this writing that seems to be more than a life time ago.
      I hear you in having words kept hidden and still I keep writing.
      I offer embodied writing classes now as I felt what was in the way is the way – I wish to let my words dance as easily and freely as my body moves….

      So, my dear…. Write, write…. Maybe begin with this:
      “Here’s what I am NOT writing about today”…..

      In so much love and doing my best to stay visible in here….
      Camilla

      Like

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