A couple of years back when I led a six month Mastering of Self training I arrived in one of the last modules sharing the experience of our two strongest energies creativity and sexuality having home in the same place of the body, nevertheless experienced in mine as separate. The merging of the two, the leaning and breathing into this new to me rich space of re-union awoke such a curiosity in me. Somehow our most powerful force with and through which all our passions, ideas, wishes and dreams are set in motion with whatever we engage with somehow had been split in two within me.
That day something got lit in me.
I remember one of the participants with light and excitement in her eyes asking “are we going to learn that today?”. I smiled and said “give me some years and I will be back once I have had the unfolding move through”. I am not making any promises that 40 something year old patterns can be unlearned in a weekend and yet, I am in full knowing that we without any doubt do have the ability to change in an instant. The habitual patterns of “am I worthy of this”, “that can’t be enough”, “this is too easy”, “I gotta do more” – the well-known to us work hard(er) dissolving is the dance I experience takes time.
Now in what feels like a life time ago since that weekend in the training I am awakening. Awakening to me.
I watered the seeds I planted that day.
I had to run faster than I could follow. I had my feet swept away under me falling deeply in love.
I had to re-find my footing and let go of all that I thought I knew my desires to be.
It was about allowing myself to receive love, to take love in.
It was me opening for the love to myself.
In opening all discomforts far beyond what I could ever imagine surfaced.
It has been shedding light on my shame. It was my fears and beasty stuff coming to dance. I was ready to surrender entirely, to dissolve limiting beliefs, to let go of the stories of who I thought I was to be and to release the constructs in my way to fully being the havingness of my desires.
It was allowing myself to receive the never ending moreness of all already present, here, now.
For years change has been something dangerous associated with some kind of loss. Wealth equaling sacrifice of what is dear to me – all seeds planted far back as a young teenager when deciding to shut down, toughen up, saying ok, it is me against the world now.
Years of self inter(fear)ence.
Not long ago in this unraveling I looked at my bank account – one thing always accompanied with a tension in my body – the number less than ever and it was then I knew everything had changed.
My desire for experiencing my limitless abundance had just come into physicality. I felt it and I knew that from now on my creations would come from a new place in me.
The yes to love, the allowing myself to receive, the opening to what is actually happening – years of what I have been teaching landing in a subtle, calm, open field unattached to where to next….
Eventhough it is a fumbling to the bliss of leading with pleasure. Playing rather than doing. Relaxing rather than forcing. Letting rather than getting, they all just has so much more juice to them.
In the journey of questions and answers I am feeling inspirations coming into form through me rather than created by me.
Am I frustrated in this new way of leading? Yes, it is a new to me skill.
Do I loose my footing and get caught in the not doing enoughness? Yes, I an old part of me want stuff done – preferably yesterday!
Is it comfortable when a old belief or self talk arrives? No, but I know it is love in disguise. It is me in my own way and it is part of the art of enhanced listening to the true inspirations in whatever wrapping they appear.
It has been absolutely great to be in full on “by me” mode. I would find my contentment in achievements and the more I got done, the more my inner gaging of good day or bad day would be in action.
I am not saying that one is better than the other, but the feeling of overwhelm, exhaustion, struggle having me touched to tears in writing these lines enhances my yes-ness in knowing that there is so much more for you and I to awaken free of learnt lessons, ways and stories that have gotten to be our truth.
Following the path of effortlessness that got lit that day years back in the training in union with the day not that long ago calmly experiencing that old fears had dissolved makes me curious for the never-ending moreness of letting the path come to me as I land my foot.
Starting close in
These times have had us all come to a threshold of a reset, re-viewing and invitating us to rewrite the story of “supposed to be”. If you as I find this moment ripe ask yourself this with me:
What do I desire to experience? Which seeds am I watering?
Where do I not give myself permission, hold myself back?
An invitation of letting answers come and be with the questions that are there.
In the beginning the unravelling of desires was not at all easy for me but the more I open the easier it gets.
It began when giving myself permission to love. The habitual struggling, the doubting where to next, the feeling of too much or too little just to mention a few – I made an agreement to love them as well.
Frankly, the bad ass toughing up, tightening my buttocks and getting shit done, I know her very well.
Giving up, why even bother. Who wants to hear my story. This ain’t important. Snap out of your self-absorbency will you – all burps from the beast coming along for the ride.
Being felt, heard and seen is a need of belonging in all of us I believe. My experience is the more raw, real and unraveled we show ourselves, daring to make our desires come visible the more an inspiration we are to the world.
How often do we negotiate with the somatic response from our bodies – that feeling of an instant “uhhu” or “nah’ah”? Almost as slapping our inspiration in the face saying “Not now dear true inspiration, I am busy doing something else….
What if we followed the appetite and an amazing journey where desired experiences are unfolding for us one moment after the other effortlessly?
I am very curious to hear what is emerging in you as you read these musings? What wants to come along for the ride? Which of your desires emerged? Was it a I am not worthy of getting that? I can’t ask for that? Or…?
Please feel free to comment below and your words of wisdom will all be part of the desire to have the bundle of the course I am playing into form, Embodied Permission ~ pleasure, permission.
In class last weekend my dear teacher Kathy Altman said: “Pointing your arrow to where it feels good is an act of love”.
This one landed so well in my journey and may be one for you to take into your day.
I also heard the art of love is taking love in. So hear this is my love and what I know.
You and I are limitless human beings being human, our playful, pleasurable journey of experiencing our desires – tangible and intangible – coming into form takes no effort only for you and I to allow, to open and to let it.
I desire to see us in our full potency of living, loving, leading with pleasure, full permission and play.
Your story matters and your voice is so needed in this world.
Know that there are much more than what our minds can perceive right now.
May your imprint in the fertile soil of Mother Earth be with soft soles of your feet listening as we ask “where to next.”
Hold still and listen.
The faint and distant rhythm that is your own and follow and follow and follow
Until you recognize yourself in your step.
Settle into your own relieved body and follow and follow and follow
Until you know yourself once more and remember
Until you vow to yourself to never get lost again
That with each adventure out into the world
you will come home to yourself and rest.