The Move

It was a snow-covered March Wednesday.
Late at night a house for sale appeared in my feed – in a Facebook a group I am not a member of – a private sell. It did not make any sense and I knew this was a desire coming into form.

I had asked for my new home to find me…
Three weeks earlier having a walk in this little village I said “ok, show me if it is here”
The wish was a black wooden house with white windows, surrounded by green, a big tree to sit under, maximum an hour from the city and there it was – all of it that evening 11pm was unfolding right in front of me.

I clicked the pictures and an immediate ‘ah, there it is’ spread itself wide in my body.
Eventhough it was late, I wrote the seller. He replied right away.
The day before entering a journey to Lapland – teaching a retreat that forever changed my life – I drove to the little wooden house and fell in love.

Two weeks later mesmerised by the Northern Lights of Finland I returned home for the most effortless, smooth meeting with my advisor, the paperworks flew, the price agreed on – all new to me never having bought a property before the price but with such ease.

Pause. Still a yes.

The day of the final yes was coming, the period of 10 days to change our minds seller and buyer was over – the signing of the purchase agreement was to land.
A final check in with my belly.
I called my realtor and said “Let’s do it” – a phone call to be a three month sleigh ride of let’s NOT do it.

The dance of doubt
That exact day was the entry into a field of real rawness. Nothing in me could feel the house. My expectations of feeling relief, joy, excitement none of that was present.

Doubt got to be the main character the three months to follow. “What have I done”. “This is not right”. “I made a wrong decision”. “I f… up”.
Why all this “no” after having followed yesness only? Merged with a self beating up harshness was the dance partner of surrendering – an invitation in for opening deeper.

My beautifully habituated go-to fixing what was wrong mode was volume up and yet “There is nothing here for you to do and everything for you to be” was the background of the crunchy tune playing in my body.

Doing no thing until the need for anything to be different has stopped.
July 1st came and with my landing gear far from down, it became a bumpy unpleasant arrival. I was ready to put a For Sale sign on immediately.
It was through the eyes of loved ones I got see the beauty and fall in love.
I created an adorable sanctuary that found me.

Now almost 4 weeks in rooting on this land and in this amazing house that I had given so much energy of wrong-doing into I am resetting.
It landed a few days ago when the immense silence finally found rest in my deep body.
Wrongdoing myself for (again) having failed in choice making.
A core belief – a hidden driver – running the show in so many areas of my life got revealed. “I suck at decision making…”

I could hear the old story I have been telling myself ready to begin anew. On a clean white page freed through the body beginning with something in the lines of “This is just perfect.”

An invitation in
When all outside stimuli is taken away and the only surroundings are the green alive ones the last layer of distractions are stripped away. Seeing how an entire life has either been away from or towards the next….

We truly are creators of what we desire to experience… Can the journey be a riding the edges of discomfort? Indeed. In the disguise of fear love has its way with us shaking us open.

“The Move” became that one step closer to myself, the one I did not want to take. In what felt like loosing my footing became me found by the ground.

A first property bought in Marketplace on Facebook Messenger. With a city girl’s nervous system reassembled, I can now announce Landing Gear Down and the love letter of “this is just perfect and…” is being written

Which story are you writing today?

Click to hear the soundscape “Let’s cross over”